As you can tell, I’ve been a little MIA. After our second IUI failed (exactly 3 months ago) we needed some time to figure out our next moves. I was pretty numb after finding out that this treatment didn’t work. I had high hopes for a success story because I got pregnant with our first IUI. And then I became angry. I was angry at my doctor for not being compassionate and caring; I was angry that I didn’t get what I wanted; I was angry that I had nothing to show for the time and energy and emotions I had put into these treatments. So I kind of checked out. I stopped tracking my cycles, I stopped engaging in support groups on facebook, I wanted nothing to do with anything (in)fertility related.
And, I have to admit, it has been freeing.
The first month of not tracking my cycle I felt a little bit of guilt. I kept having to remind myself that I wasn’t going to track it and that it’d be okay if I didn’t track it. The second month of not tracking I had a little bit of residual guilt, but was feeling a lot more free. This month, the third month, I rarely think about my cycle and where I’m at and when I should have sex to get pregnant. Now, I will say that my period coming at the end of each cycle is still a let down. And I still get my hopes up when I realize that my cycle is nearing its end and “what if!” But the rest of the month I feel totally free from my tortuous cycle.
A lot of things have changed in the last few months too. The biggest change is that I am consumed with work. I started in a new position with my job and it is complex and challenging and taking up a lot of brain space right now. Another change is that Adrian and I decided to pursue Foster Care.
If you’ve read our “Where We Are Going” page, you’ll know that adoption has been on the table for us for a while. I’ll admit, I haven’t always been on board, but with time, my heart has softened to the possibility of expanding our family in that way. We talked about the many ways adoption can be possible and there are basically three:
- Agency Adoption – you pay an agency $15,000-$30,000 to connect you with a birth parent and they pay for lawyer fees, counseling fees, etc.
- Private Adoption – you pay a la carte for the services needed to complete the adoption. This might include lawyer fees, counseling fees, etc. The trick here is finding and connecting with a birth parent.
- Foster to Adopt – you agree to care for someone else’s child(ren) with the understanding that reunification with birth parents/family is the first priority. If that fails to happen, then adoption is possible.
The cost of an agency adoption is just not possible for us right now so that left us with two options. We are open to a private adoption at this point, but we decided to pursue Foster Care as our top choice. There is little up-front financial burden which was important to us, but we also wanted to begin caring for children immediately. We knew that a private adoption could leave us waiting for an undetermined amount of time and we wanted to be sure of something.
With Foster Care, we know we will be given children to care for. There is still no guarantee of adoption, but we have so much love to give in the meantime.
A Miracle for the McCalls 