7 months

I can’t believe they have been with us for 7 months.

It feels like they have been with us forever. And it feels like they just got here.

I am perpetually living in duality. I am happy and sad. I am afraid and I am brave. I want them with me forever and I want them with their mom forever.

This has been a roller coaster ride that I have a feeling isn’t quite done yet. The kids are scheduled to be home with their mom full time by September 1. We have a pretty good plan in place to help them and her and us get used to the change. They started off with increasing visitation from 2 hours a week to 4 hours a week. Then they jumped to 8 hours a week. The next step will be overnight, 24-hour visits. After that they will have a few full weekend visits and then the last step will be to add weekday over-night visits with the weekend visits. The goal is to slowly transition them to being with their mom more and with us less.

And can I just say that thinking about them NOT being with us full time sends me into a little bit of a panic. With that said, I try to think of just the immediate visit in front of me. And I try to think of the positives of having them visiting their mom… i.e. quiet, alone time, a clean house, no one wanting my attention 24/7 — need I say more?

As I’ve been processing their leaving, I’ve talked to some friends about it and so many have asked how I am doing with knowing they’ll be gone soon. And my answer is dual – like I mentioned before. I am happy and excited, but also sad and heartbroken. I love these babies SO much and to think that I won’t see them everyday and they won’t see me as momma anymore is quite distressing. But I have known from day one that I wanted their mom to heal and to be able to mother them again. That knowledge was placed in my heart by God. There is no way that my imperfect, selfish heart could have that type of unconditional love for their mom on its own.

Friends and family have asked if we will continue to foster after these babies go home to their mom. And my answer is always: “I don’t know”. Because I’ve realized that my perspective of foster care is shifting.

I signed up to be a foster parent with the goal of adopting a child. If I am hoping to adopt a child through foster care then I am unintentionally hoping that a mother and/or father fails. What I really want is for families to be together. I want mothers and fathers to have the health and strength and knowledge to raise their children safely. If we foster again, my goal will be different. It is no longer my intention to adopt through foster care. We now have the difficult task of deciding if we are willing to continue fostering children without the hope of adopting.

But we don’t have to make any decisions just yet! We have 6 weeks left with these kiddos and we will soak up every minute that we can (because they won’t let us do anything different!). Nothing much has really changed with us parenting them. We are still doing the daily grind – eat, sleep, play, repeat. The kids are in Early Head Start through the summer which gives me some much needed time to myself during the day (because I don’t have to work over the summer!). Miss M is working on potty training still. She has periodic accidents that I try not to make a big deal out of. But they are one of my WORST frustrations and I tend to blow up more often than I keep my cool. Mr. S is walking (running) and talking a ton. He is developing quite the vocabulary (probably only decipherable by me). They both LOVE being outdoors playing in the wading pool or drawing with chalk on the driveway. When they are inside, Mr. S likes to play with anything with wheels and Miss M likes to pretend to bake or go shopping. They both love to read books and they are obsessed with Elmo.

Life is more or less status quo for now!