And just like that…

We’re parents. Sort of.

Foster parenting is weird. Because I’m not their mom, but I am going through the motions as though I am. I get them dressed, I feed them, I play with them, I give them kisses, I snuggle them, I bathe them, I wipe their butts.

Its only been two weeks. I’m still adjusting; the kids are still adjusting. My whole life has been flipped around and I’m trying to make sense of all of the changes.

For the first few days, I was a wreck. I was so sick to my stomach with stress and worry and lack of sleep. I thought about how unprepared I was and how there was no way I could do this. I couldn’t eat because I was nauseous and I cried every day. I felt inadequate and afraid. I wanted to give them back and tell DCFS that we made a huge mistake and we wouldn’t be fostering after all. I felt resentment towards the kids for changing my life in an instant and felt a sort of buyers remorse.

And then things seemed to get a little easier. The kids started sleeping more. I started to know how to comfort and soothe them. I began to feel a little more confident in my ability to parent. We started to get into a rhythm and routine.

Somewhere along the way, someone asked me if it was so much fun being a parent. And I said no. And I meant it. There are moments of fun, of giggles and joy. But it’s hard. The work is never done. I find my days cycling through sleep, eat, play, repeat. And in between there are toddler meltdowns and stinky diapers and waking up in the middle of the night.

I am a foster mom, but I feel like a long term babysitter. Like its just a matter of time before they go home and my job is done. Which is confusing because moms don’t usually have to say goodbye to their babies and their job is never done.

But I think moms would say its worth it because your hard work will pay off and you’ll see the beautiful baby that you’ve raised grow into a kind, loving, smart person. But I don’t think I’ll get that payout in the end. So I find myself questioning if it’s all worth it.

My mind tells me that it IS worth it for the kids, that they are getting love and safety and stability and that will have a lasting impact on them. But there are moments when my heart is discouraged and afraid that it will be stretched further than it can manage.

I don’t know how this chapter of our lives will end. I don’t know how long we will parent these sweet babies. I don’t know where they will end up or how their lives will turn out. But that’s true about everyone’s life. Nothing is guaranteed and we never know what might come our way or leave us.

So although I am confused and scared and unsure, I know that this was the path we were meant to embark on. For some reason, God has called us to this journey and we will take it step by step, one day at a time.